Two ways of being unhappy

Filed under Notes on 8. July 2007 »

There is a saying I’ve quoted before that goes: “There are two ways of being unhappy; not getting what you want, and getting what you want.” And although we are conditioned to believe that if we only get what we want — just this one thing and then I’ll be fine — we’ll be happy, finally and fully contented, it never seems to work out that way. It’s easy to make it seem that it does, and we do a great job of maintaining the illusion through movies, television, magazines and other forms of media, worshipping that proverbial golden calf of our age; the image of making it.

The belief in how the world of form can provide us with lasting security and salvation is very deeply rooted, which is why we cling to it no matter how many opportunities we are given to see beyond the illusion of it. It’s the reasoning that goes, “I know money and fame won’t make me happy, but I’d rather be rich, famous and unhappy than just plain unhappy.” Meaning that on one level you see the truth, but still deeper down there is the belief that you would feel more secure if you only had a little bit more.

What is commonly thought to be the formula for happiness, written in stone in the cult of society, is that getting what you want increases your overall level of contentment. Which would mean that those who get everything they want are continuously happy and fulfilled. Fairly simple, and very familiar, but if we let go of the fantasy for a moment and actually question it, we see that it is also utterly false.

The thing is, always getting what you want on the external level is potentially a path to more misery and suffering than anyone would suspect. We think that not having your wishes fulfilled brings suffering, and that is certainly how it seems on the surface, but when we look deeper we see that the suffering brought on by material excess is of a much deeper variety. Always having your wishes fulfilled leads you to rely on the world of form for your fulfillment. We all have as part of our conditioning the seeds of worldly desire, and having this desire fulfilled and catered to only works to increase the need for more. The nature of desire is that it cannot be fulfilled, and so no matter how much you gain, the void will only seem to get bigger and bigger.

The reason for why the suffering of excess is so much deeper than that of lack is that the more you have on the external level, the more it pulls you in. When you have very little, more of your attention is retained within, the only place fulfillment can be found, whereas when you have a lot, you are much more likely to be distracted and occupied exclusively with the external world. When we only pay attention to the surface, the glittering 1% that makes up the world of form, we lose touch with the other 99% of life which is to be found in that which is beyond form. It is a kind of spiritual starvation, and those who are sensitive to it will often feel exhausted and lifeless after a while of being lost on the surface.

Ultimately it is not a matter of the particular forms around us or whether or not we get what we want, but rather the level of our attachment to it. Due to the nature of our conditioning, those who have all their worldly wishes fulfilled are at a disadvantage when it comes to this, but then again the deep form of suffering they encounter brings with it a tremendous potential for awakening. And it is usually at the extremes of lack and excess that the suffering is the most intense. Being somewhere in the middle like most of us are, the pressure of either material lack or excess never really gets intense enough in either direction to make us suffer properly. There are nibbles of promise here and there, enough to keep us clinging to the illusion but not enough so that it starts eating its own tail.

For those that are in the middle, being pushed around by the world but not enough in either direction to make a lasting impression, vigilance is needed to maintain perspective. As an experiment, observe what it feels like when you get what you want, and when you don’t get what you want. What may surprise you is that the feeling can often be inverse to what you would expect; gaining something on the level of form can sometimes feel empty, tense and even vaguely stressful, while being let down by the world can feel peaceful and good. This is usually covered up with conditioned responses and mental commentary, and breaking through it simply by paying attention could significantly alter your relationship to the world, realizing that your feeling of contentment has nothing at all to do with gain or loss on the level of form.